Alias surfs the shelves at the supermarket. He brushes past the health food section which is packed with an array of ‘plus priced’ ‘minus’ products, disguised as healthy merchandise, apparently free of harmful ingredients. Confused and exhausted, he struggles to tell the difference between substances like glucose, lactose, or pantyhose. Some products are complete, presumably super healthy, yet tasteless substitutes, except the pantyhose, which is a bit hard to make from soya beans.
Next, Alias plans an excursion for tomorrow. Before he shops for a day tour, he surfs the internet for the weather forecast and finds; the ‘climate change activists’ are predicting apocalyptical storms with severe flooding in unbearable heat. Some optimists predict blue skies and sunshine with a pleasant afternoon breeze.
In two minds about his travel plans, Alias checks with the realists, who say: “we will let you know tomorrow evening”.
A few days later, Alias decides to clean his house. He searches the textile section at the supermarket for some absorbent wipes to clean all the chairs, when he spots a ‘sit and clean’ jumpsuit. The instructions say: just sit on the chair, watch something exciting on TV that makes you wiggle around frantically, and your chair will be spotless in record time.
Job done and irritated by a dirty, itching jumpsuit, he takes it off and throws it into the washing machine, when he realizes that he is out of washing detergent. It’s ‘back to the shops’ for him, namely the ‘cleaning and toiletries’ aisle where he is confronted by a seemingly endless shelf of bottles and buckets. In search of the appropriate product, he reads label after label. Soon he finds himself overwhelmed with information such as:
Divine Blends; Kinder to The Planet; Bigger Size; Greater Value; Trusted Brand; Award winning product; etc. Fortunately, Alias also reads the very fine print which reveals the nature of the products, such as shampoo, body wash, floor cleaner etc. and he finally scores a winner, namely ‘washing detergent’.
Low on cash and Christmas around the corner, Alias decides to do some contract work as Santa. In the fancy dress shop he easily finds a fitting costume since the padding is very adjustable.
Santa’s ‘black book’ however, is no longer available because it degrades kids. Apparently, everyone (except Alias) knows that children should only be praised, never criticised.
Nevertheless, Alias steps into Santa’s boots and does a marvelous job. During the Festive Season, ‘Santa Alias’ over-indulges on rich cuisine and dies of a cardiac arrest.
At heaven’s gate he passes a COVID test but fails the alcohol test. Intoxicated applicants are nothing new to St. Peter, who himself likes to savor a glass of blessed wine. He goes easy on Alias, admits him but requires him to earn his stay in ‘Hotel Heaven’. The task Alias needs to perform seems simple. All he has to do is deliver a letter from God to the Australian Government.
So, a fraction of eternity later, Angel Alias flies through the clouds down to earth, flapping his heavenly wings gently, when he spots his old local pub. Weary of eating the ‘Manna’ and drinking blessed wine, he descents for a pie and a pint of Larger. True to the saying; “one beer is never enough”, he orders another, and another, and another, forgetting about the heavenly letter. Hence the Australian Government, to this day, is still waiting for some divine guidance.