Hubert Schaub

Alias takes a break from stepping into other people’s shoes. His ‘original self’ strolls through the streets and parks, wearing his old runners, which have passed the test of time. He breathes easy in meditation, trying to clear his mind from all the hype and confusion of recent months when, un-intentionally, his mind’s eye captures memory flashes of fear and panic. Repeated, worrying news articles flicker on and off, such as: ‘The new Russian secret weapon the world should be afraid of’. ‘The whole world should be worried about the invincible Chinese Navy’. ‘Scary, catastrophic climatic disasters are imminent’. ‘Terrifying discovery on Mars’. As though this wasn’t enough, there comes a ‘chilling’ outburst by ‘Puterasputin’ the crazy Russian garden gnome, threatening chemical world war by the smoke from his ‘Bong’. Alias can imagine how all this anxiety promotion wouldn’t go down well with the mental health campaign. Resting on a park bench, he notices some welcome rain clouds appearing in the distance, signaling the end of a drought. Peacefully, he doses off until some soothing warm raindrops inspire him to savour the balance of nature, in this case, wet and dry. While still immersed in nature’s tranquility, he suddenly remembers another warning he recently saw on the news that said: There will be a ‘Climate Armageddon’ before 2050. Alias knows that Armageddon refers to a prophesised, final military battle on the plain of Armageddon, (northern Israel) un-related to the climate. Obviously, the authors of this ‘present day prophesy’ haven’t done their homework and perhaps, together with all the other scare-mongers, they shouldn’t be taken seriously. Relieved, Alias decides to view the world on his own analyses, distant from rumours, speculations, and baseless predictions. He liberates his mind from all projected shock, fear, and worry, as he dances down the road under his ‘Mary Poppins’ umbrella, singing: “Don’t worry, be happy”.

A recession hits and Alias finds himself unemployed. In search of a job, he steps into the boots of a spy for the kingdom of ‘Wantobe’. King ‘Upmyself’ and his subjects aren’t very creative or ingenious, so they rely heavily on espionage for their industrial and military development. Corruption is rife, needless to say; shortcuts are taken in all fields of industry. The information Alias steals from the republic of ‘Advancealot’, leads no further than to the production of inferior copies of goods and machinery.
Adjacent to Wantobe lies ‘Incompetenca’, a kingdom which is mismanaged by his Majesty, the narcistic Sun King ‘Poleuparse’, who is considered a Deity. Incompetenca is a large, backward, hermit kingdom with utopian ambitions. The king hires Alias to act as a double agent and spy on Wantobe, which he has a kind of ‘Love/Hate’ relationship with.

Thanks to Alias’s outstanding efforts, Incompetenca soon manufactures vast quantities of commodities, which are incomplete copies of inferior copies. To make it worse, morale among the underpaid workers is low and work ethics are non-existent. The king’s delirious vision to rule the world is shattered when their guns back-fire, planes drop out of the sky, missiles explode at launch, and his navy’s ships sink. He accuses Alias for providing false information and sentences him to death. Alias manages to escape back to Wantobe, where he meets the same fate, this time for treason. Fortunately, he finds just enough time to step back into his own shoes.

“Law only has value when enforced” this is largely overlooked by the authorities.
I recall, when I refereed at the national Taekwondo championships, an unruly coach became verbally violent against us officials, threatening a repeat of the 9/11 terrorist attacks while his club members were throwing bottles at us.
This serious breach of the ‘Coaches Code of Conduct’ was met with impunity by the Association’s authorities. In fact, soon after, he was quoted one of Australia’s most elite coaches!
Another coach, who repeatedly violated the child protection rules was proclaimed one of Australia’s most respected instructors.
Littering, and bicycle helmet laws are poorly enforced.
Let’s escalate this topic and raise it to a more potent level.
While Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot rose to power, nothing was done until it was too late. International law and treaties weren’t worth the paper they were written on.
‘White Elephant’ laws and words are baseless rhetoric wrapped in illusionary action, while civilians, including children were brutally murdered. They died in agony, cut to pieces by Josef Mengele. They were tortured in the Gulags under Stalin and Brezhnev. They were bludgeoned to death by Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge. They are now being blown to pieces by the insane egomaniac, coward and tyrant, Vladimir Putin.
Putin and Xi Zinping have made their imperialist intentions very clear, same as Hitler made his clear when he wrote ‘Mein Kampf’.

Negotiations with dictators are in vain, so-called ‘white elephants’, for dictators are compulsive liars on anything that doesn’t fit their world view.
Sanctions are effective in the long run, often after the damage is done. What the world needs now is early intervention, actively targeting authoritarian leaders, before they accumulate excessive power. Should this deadline be missed, and the first shots are fired, the only option is to retaliate immediately with overwhelming military force, cutting the head of the dragon by targeting the aggressor’s leaders.
“Cheers to the brave people of Ukraine”!

Everyone has a story to tell. There once was a very interesting TV series titled ‘seven billion stories and counting’. This program is no more but the stories have now grown to around eight billion. Listening to each other’s stories contributes to world peace, understanding and harmony.
When I mention ‘stories’, I don’t refer to bragging, intimidation, indoctrination, or trying to impress or to achieve some outcome. A story in its true context means one’s experiences told truthfully and with integrity.
Beware, some people’s stories are infinite. Unless you wind it up, (I recommend you do this politely), you will die of old age listening!

Weary of time travelling into the future, Alias decides to take a U-turn and explore the past on a mystery ticket. He meets Nostradamus who, fearing legal action, is in the process of rephrasing the terminology for his predictions from ‘will’, to ‘‘may’ or ‘could’, e.g. instead of “Pigs will fly”, he now says “Pigs may fly”.

Taking a big leap, Alias lands in an ice age. The ‘Homo Erectus’ are busy praying and making sacrifices to their Gods in the hope to be rewarded with ‘Global Warming’. The Gods respond: “Burn more fossil fuels”!

Next, Alias’s mystery ticket catapults him into the late nineteenth century. Running low on money, he registers with an employment agency. To his surprise, he soon receives a letter saying he is ‘head hunted’ for a high position. Alias is excited and self-assured he was chosen for his qualifications and professional status. He travels to meet his future employer in Borneo, who explains: When I saw your passport photo I thought; “Your head would look really nice hanging from my ceiling”. Alias, who considers himself ‘over- qualified’ for the proposed position, declines the offer and runs for his life.

On his return trip from history, Alias makes a short stop during the Nazi Era. He listens to Hitler and Goebbels shouting their sadistic threats and propaganda in psychotic rage. When Alias finally arrives back in early 2021, he watches the news, and he is served some kind of a replay by ‘Xi Jing Hitler’ and ‘Zhao Goebbels’. In comparison he realizes: Adolf Hitler and Friedrich Goebbels had a logistical back-up to carry out their militarily ambitious threats while Xi and Zhao’s naive rhetoric is pure vanity, a clumsy attempt to hide underlying mayhem.

Later in 2021 during the advent of the ‘UN Climate Summit’, ‘Schoolies’ in Britain ask Boris Johnson to tell Australia to stop the bush fires, because they kill the animals and trees. Alias quickly steps into the shoes of the Australian foreign minister and replies: We tried to introduce harsh punishments for arsonists, but the influencers you listen to, overruled this bill in the ‘Human Rights Tribunal’ claiming it was in-humane. Resorting to ‘Plan B’, we pissed on the fires with little success! So, in true spirit of the popular ‘Go Fund Me’ campaign, could you please send us shiploads of ‘free beer’ to help us improve our efficiency in this matter.

Un-intentionally, Alias hits the wrong button on his ‘Time Machine’. He meets Noah, who is back on dry ground, busy mucking out his ark after all the animals have disembarked. Alias wishes Noah ‘good luck’ in re-populating the world with ‘all creatures great and small’ including humans. Then he turns his time machine forward by approx. eleven thousand years, Wednesday 10th November 2021 to be precise.

Glued to the computer screen, he learns that half of the Australian continent is in for an ‘almighty drenching’, causing widespread severe flooding, starting tomorrow. Unbeknown to Alias, ‘God the Almighty’ this time, is punishing humankind not for their sins but for their stupidity, ignorance and selfishness. Too late to build an Ark, Alias tries to book forty days and forty nights on a cruise ship. God says: “Sorry Mate, all booked out” due to the easing of Covid restrictions. No animals allowed on cruise ships either, I mean: “Who wants to spend the dawn of a brand-new world mucking out ships”? In desperation, Alias googles around for a ‘Safe Spot’ on a mountain top. God says: “Sorry Mate, non are available, all booked out, like Mount Everest has been for years. Noah started from the ground. Why do you modern humans always want to start from the top”?

Alias immerses himself in deep thought. He awakens to the reality that the ‘almighty rain’ will prevent bushfires, miraculously transforming God’s punishment into a blessing. On the other hand, he realizes that he can kiss the free beer from Britain good-bye. He goes to the pub and buys a pint.