Weary of time travelling into the future, Alias decides to take a U-turn and explore the past on a mystery ticket. He meets Nostradamus who, fearing legal action, is in the process of rephrasing the terminology for his predictions from ‘will’, to ‘‘may’ or ‘could’, e.g. instead of “Pigs will fly”, he now says “Pigs may fly”.
Taking a big leap, Alias lands in an ice age. The ‘Homo Erectus’ are busy praying and making sacrifices to their Gods in the hope to be rewarded with ‘Global Warming’. The Gods respond: “Burn more fossil fuels”!
Next, Alias’s mystery ticket catapults him into the late nineteenth century. Running low on money, he registers with an employment agency. To his surprise, he soon receives a letter saying he is ‘head hunted’ for a high position. Alias is excited and self-assured he was chosen for his qualifications and professional status. He travels to meet his future employer in Borneo, who explains: When I saw your passport photo I thought; “Your head would look really nice hanging from my ceiling”. Alias, who considers himself ‘over- qualified’ for the proposed position, declines the offer and runs for his life.
On his return trip from history, Alias makes a short stop during the Nazi Era. He listens to Hitler and Goebbels shouting their sadistic threats and propaganda in psychotic rage. When Alias finally arrives back in early 2021, he watches the news, and he is served some kind of a replay by ‘Xi Jing Hitler’ and ‘Zhao Goebbels’. In comparison he realizes: Adolf Hitler and Friedrich Goebbels had a logistical back-up to carry out their militarily ambitious threats while Xi and Zhao’s naive rhetoric is pure vanity, a clumsy attempt to hide underlying mayhem.
Later in 2021 during the advent of the ‘UN Climate Summit’, ‘Schoolies’ in Britain ask Boris Johnson to tell Australia to stop the bush fires, because they kill the animals and trees. Alias quickly steps into the shoes of the Australian foreign minister and replies: We tried to introduce harsh punishments for arsonists, but the influencers you listen to, overruled this bill in the ‘Human Rights Tribunal’ claiming it was in-humane. Resorting to ‘Plan B’, we pissed on the fires with little success! So, in true spirit of the popular ‘Go Fund Me’ campaign, could you please send us shiploads of ‘free beer’ to help us improve our efficiency in this matter.
Un-intentionally, Alias hits the wrong button on his ‘Time Machine’. He meets Noah, who is back on dry ground, busy mucking out his ark after all the animals have disembarked. Alias wishes Noah ‘good luck’ in re-populating the world with ‘all creatures great and small’ including humans. Then he turns his time machine forward by approx. eleven thousand years, Wednesday 10th November 2021 to be precise.
Glued to the computer screen, he learns that half of the Australian continent is in for an ‘almighty drenching’, causing widespread severe flooding, starting tomorrow. Unbeknown to Alias, ‘God the Almighty’ this time, is punishing humankind not for their sins but for their stupidity, ignorance and selfishness. Too late to build an Ark, Alias tries to book forty days and forty nights on a cruise ship. God says: “Sorry Mate, all booked out” due to the easing of Covid restrictions. No animals allowed on cruise ships either, I mean: “Who wants to spend the dawn of a brand-new world mucking out ships”? In desperation, Alias googles around for a ‘Safe Spot’ on a mountain top. God says: “Sorry Mate, non are available, all booked out, like Mount Everest has been for years. Noah started from the ground. Why do you modern humans always want to start from the top”?
Alias immerses himself in deep thought. He awakens to the reality that the ‘almighty rain’ will prevent bushfires, miraculously transforming God’s punishment into a blessing. On the other hand, he realizes that he can kiss the free beer from Britain good-bye. He goes to the pub and buys a pint.