Recently I indulged on some bacon, which was de-constructed, then re-constructed from local and imported ingredients; guess it was a synthesised, multinational pig. Hunger stilled, I turned on the TV where, after missing half the news due to updating and answering all sorts of on-screen questions, I learned that there will finally, for the first time since Abraham, be peace in the Middle East, brokered by an American president facing impeachment, in league with an Israeli Prime Minister on corruption charges. “Bloody Brilliant”, to say the least. Perhaps I should consult an intellectual to explain how this will work, because realistic people just can’t. Switching channels, I was reminded that much of the greenhouse effect is caused by cows farting and, if this wasn’t enough, their burps also pollute the air. In contemplation I wonder: why do the poor cows get all the blame? Don’t all the other creatures and seven billion humans release any gas? If they do, ‘Should we farm less humans’? Next, the corona virus was created by Chinese scientists experimenting with biological warfare. At least 150 million people are going to die worldwide. “Doomsday is neigh”. Perhaps not, because the on-line News told me it is caused by people eating ‘bat soup’ and it is similar to a bad flu, not exactly life threatening to healthy people who are living under sound hygienic conditions. According to the Chinese president, the outbreak was to blame on the devil, that mischievous bugger who always comes handy when things go wrong. Then, Australian evacuees from the affected province in China, who have been placed into quarantine on Christmas Island, made the most traumatising experience of encountering some ‘cockroaches’, a rarity that puts any true Elvis sighting to shame. If this was not enough, they also have bad internet. Apparently, this is thousands of times worse than they expected. May I mention, my internet has been very bad for the last couple of months and insects are part of life everywhere, but obviously not in China. Perhaps that’s the reason the Great wall was built; to keep the cockroaches out. Adding to my bewilderment, a scientific documentary revealed that God is a particle and we are nothing but pixels on some screen. Trying to escape the fiasco I sought some relief in natural medicine but was baffled when I read the outside of some ‘natural medication’ bottles: it may help, assist, with mild arthritis, joint pain etc., it may improve liver function and so on. Well, next time I install a door I’ll tell the customer: “It may open and close”. “It may also jam or fall off”. Or I’ll try and sell my car stating: ‘it may drive’. Back to the TV, I was bombarded with the usual warnings of harmless, common meteorological events, now reported as ‘extreme’ and ‘severe’, in contrast to the ‘mild conditions’ my medication treats. For a bit of comfort, I heard that the weather shares one thing with the medication; ‘it may happen’. ‘May’ed off’, I find relieve in a glass of wine, because I know for sure that it works.